just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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