Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
