The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
