I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
