8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
