It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
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