community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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