when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
