Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
