I can text with my tongue
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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