I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
