First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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