i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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