It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
