she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
