Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Randomize
