yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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