I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
