i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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