i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
