I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
