Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
