A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
