All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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