yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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