I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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