I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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