not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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