This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
