I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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