when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
