DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
