I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
