if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
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