I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
