a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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