We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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