So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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