alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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