Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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