I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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