Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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