WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
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She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
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I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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