Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
