she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
