y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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