come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
