It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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