I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
