So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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