we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
