my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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