Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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