If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
