The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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