I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
