watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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