a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
