I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He did a backflip because drugs
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