when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
