you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
