One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
